Meet Tom E. Laundry, the World's Worst Employee Ever

Hello there.  My name is Tom Laundry and I’m a bad employee.

                     But I get by with it.

As for work goes,  my main focus is to just show up.  Just don’t expect me to go above and beyond because that ain’t in my job description.  I stick to my job description.  Period.

Outside of work my life is pretty sweet.  I smoke a lot of weed, drink a lot of beer and  I have a girlfriend who sometimes resorts to violence if she gets ticked off at me.  She gets ticked a lot.  She’s been known to show up at my workplace angry and make a show, throw staplers and scream, but the other day she showed up at my desk with a couple joints and we smoked weed in the bathroom on my lunch break.  I just love her.

 We have a kid together that we named Moonshine and in order to keep the daycare costs down, I need to be home by 5:05pm so my girlfriend can make it to her place of employment on time.  She has a time clock she has to punch.  I don’t.  It’s pretty easy to leave at 4:45 pm and write 5:00 pm on my time card.  My boss is a hard worker who rarely comes out of his office until 5:45 anyway, so he never knows.  Besides, this company has so much money what’s an extra twenty minutes every few days.  I consider it a score for me, the underdog.  I’m owed.  I show up, most days.

Any beer lovers out there?  Beer is my spirit animal.  Unfortunately when I drink too much beer, I end up will a killer hangover.  So because of that… God Bless the sick day!  And personal days.  I was told last week that I’ve used all my sick days and personal days up or the year, so any time missed from now on will be unpaid.  It’s April.   That means that next Monday when I call in sick  I won’t be getting paid for it.  That’s too bad because I could really use more cash to buy munchies when I smoke weed.  

The best thing I like about my co-workers is the fact that they’re there to cover for me.  Other than that, I just wish they’d leave me alone during work hours so I can finish my candy crush games in peace!

I’m just getting started sharing my bad employee work habits.  Stick around for more, but in the meantime, follow me on Twitter, @TommLaundry.  I drunk tweet.  From my desk at work.  It’s great!

Tom E. Laundry is quite possibly the world’s worst employee.  He likes to drunk snap chat while sitting in his cubicle and HR is constantly ruining his mojo, telling him to put his pants back on.  He believes that smoking a little weed on his lunch break makes him a better co-worker and can often be found hiding out in the men’s bathroom with his flask of vodka, catching up on Jimmy Fallon tweets.   Follow him on twitter at @tommlaundry